a game of catch up

howdy pals! it's me, typing away at 4am because inspiration struck at like 10pm and i couldn't resist diving into some late night writing.

so, here i've been, i started by scrolling through my website and picking out some necessary updates to make. i could have called it quits there and saved the rest for tomorrow, but the artist/writer in me said, "nope, time to rewrite the bio page," and i couldn't argue. so that's already written and published. then i decided to revisit that trusty ole book, the artist's way, so i wrote some morning pages. then, i remembered that i have an appointment coming up, and since opening up to doctors isn't easy for me, i wrote, longhand, absolutely everything i could possibly want to tell that doctor, and knowing me, that probably won't be the final draft either.

and since that obviously wasn't enough, here i am, finally ready to update y'all and open up a bit more. all to explain why i've been gone and why i'm back so suddenly and with so much chutzpah. i have a lot going on behind the scenes, both physically and mentally, and it's about time i shed some light on that part of my life. at least here on my blog if not my other social media platforms. i want people who are going through their own struggles to feel not only like they can survive them, but keep creating wonderful things along the way.

let's flash back a few months, i made the move to rhode island at the end of december, and started a new job in january, and boy was it a rollercoaster. this job was strenuous on my body and mind, i had a terrible training manager, and the anxiety he was causing me was leading me to tense up, throw up, and dissociate both at work and at home. one day he lied about me to another manager in front of my face, and after shutting down and running on autopilot for a while after that, i quit on the spot while shaking and lightheaded.

my anxiety is terrible, as i'm sure you've gathered, but what this whole scenario also did was cause me to spiral into deep depression. i would be this way for the next three months. i would barely touch a paintbrush or a notebook that whole time, even when i started what i thought might be a better job for me. i actually really liked parts of that new job, i had a great boss, made an amazing new friend, and really cared about the cause i was fighting for. unfortunately, it was too much for me too. i quit maybe about two weeks ago. i got caught in the same spiral.

i got sick with a cold that ended up taking a bigger toll on my body than expected, and then i started to have these anxious thoughts that they'd think i was unreliable, then something bad happened to my friend at work, then i cried and went home the first day i came back from being sick, and on what would be my final day, i got flirted with and touched by some old guy who called me a "nice looking girl." so, obviously that man needs glasses and his schlong chopped off. after all that, i couldn't imagine going back to work without sending myself into hysterics, so once again, i quit. much to my surprise, my mother was right on my side with this one. it was a rough career choice on my part but i don't regret trying.

so yes, i am applying to new jobs, but i'm being much pickier about what i even bother applying to because i know that between the way my bipolar can change everything about me for a few months, to the way my anxiety can take over my whole body at a moment's notice, there's only so much i am willing and able to do.

something i realized looking over these past few months of depression up to now, when my mania might be setting in, is where my passion lies. even when i was fully in my depression i would at least think about making art, or think about writing. even though i didn't make much of anything, and was so in my own head that i felt like i'd lost myself, i somehow hadn't lost art or writing. i was still consuming it, dreaming about it, planning it. i wanted to be engulfed in that passion for creating again so badly. i can't say that for any other career i've considered. it's this lingering feeling i have even when i'm at my lowest, unlike any other, that keeps me going until i can physically create again.

immediately as i started to emerge from my depression, my mind was set on making. i wrote a poem about how worthless and pathetic i have felt, i painted my first real self portrait, i collaborated with my friend, etc, etc. things have felt right again. because of the fact that i'm currently unemployed, i have a lot of time to work my ass off and make something spectacular of floraternum. we'll see how my executive dysfunction comes into play.

just because my adhd, my bipolar, my anxiety, and everything else can push me down, doesn't mean i can't pick myself up again. i'm still more than capable of what i do best, the work i put into floraternum. even when i neglect it for a while, it's always there and i always come back to it. this is my career. same goes for you and your passions. the things that inspire you even when you're at your lowest might be the key to keepin on keepin on!

thank you so much for reading this and learning a little bit about me. have a great day and don't forget to drink some water!